Finding Me

CONTENT GUIDANCE: This blog has strong language, explores aspects of mental health, domestic violence ,drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and suicide. Please read with caution!

Allie and I were inseparable, it was like together we could handle all that hurt and pain. We enabled each other to keep going in a lifestyle that wasn’t meant for either of us. Things with Jackson got to the point of me having to move. He had made a bad deal and the Haitians were after him. They tried kicking my door in while K and I were gone one night. Cops were hanging around outside my apartment like I sold drugs. After Jackson got locked up on child support charge,yeah, yeah i know! He got six months and it was the craziest six months of my life! At first he tried to lie and say he was giving her money in hand and she lied. I’d later find it the truth I knew in my stomach the whole time. This man couldn’t stop lying to save his own momma and I was over it all!

I moved to a new apartment, got two new jobs and everything was good. I was proud of me,I was finally starting to heal from my marriage and move on. An old friend Nia called me and her first words were we need to talk. Well all know those words are never good in any situation. She confirmed that when he went missing he was with his baby mama. They were being intimate and going on bings while her parents cared for the kids. He denied to her he was seeing me,but as Nia said everyone knew about me but her. I feel now looking back that she knew; she didn’t want to believe it like I didnt. When he called that day, I questioned him about if he was still seeing his baby mom. He lied of course and told me that he wasn’t seeing her, but I knew the truth because why would Nia lie to me about it. He told me, he plays her games to see his kids but that was it. Another lie but this time, I was done believing him.

I started putting so many hours in at both jobs that, I didn’t have much time to party or do anything else. With Jackson away in jail I had more time to focus on healing and becoming a better mother and figuring out my future with my daughter. I got promoted at work and became assistant manager. It was just the kickstart I needed. Jackson’s Baby mom whose name was Alexis started making threats against me every time she got drunk here come the weird phone calls and such. That girl had no idea I’d drag her, even went as far as to say if he saw me with my daughter she’s was going to beat my ass. I purposely went to the park where she frequented just to let her catch me. Needless to say her threats were nothing but her running her mouth. He told me he wanted better and to do better but that was jail talk. Come on ladies and gents I am sure we’ve all heard jail talk. They say what they need to, this ensures you stay hooked.

Allie was getting the same mess from Zach. He had gotten locked up for stealing from Big Lots. He did a year in county and that whole time he was feeding Allie every lie he could to keep her hooked. She was doing so good,gain confidence and stopped using. She was determined to to live a better life and I was going to help her. She was working and for once she was living. That was until Jackson and Zach’s gross plan went into effect. Zach owed Jackson for drugs he gave him in county and Zach gave Jackson; Allie as payment. He sold her like she was a PlayStation and it was no big deal.

You ever feel like everything is going on the right direction and then all of sudden it just goes left? I should have known Jackson coming home wasn’t going to be anything like I thought. I loved and cared about him but he loved and cared about himself only. After he’d been home a few weeks, he of course disappeared. Back to using and back to baby mama drama. But the straw for me was the night Allie dropped me off at home and went back to his house. She avoided me for two weeks after, but I pulled her card. She broke and told me every thing, and I do mean everything. Jackson forced her to perform oral sex on him multiple times that night. Then he had her dropped him at some house at 6am; threw a bag of dope at her and said thanks. She started using again that night.

That was it for me, I was done with him, with her and with that lifestyle. I chose me, not for my daughter but for the first time I chose me for me! I had a new sense of wants and needs, a new outlook. I was finding me, in all that chaos and mess. God was giving me exactly what I needed to prepare me for journey. The new found strength and the wisdom I craved was just the start. I knew finding me wasn’t going to be easy but I for damn sure didn’t realize it be so hard.

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